lately..

i have been waking up with a huge lump in my throat
its as if i must cry the previous day away before my spirit is strong enough to deal with today
sleep isnt quite enough, it isnt strong enough to remove te memory and pain of yesterdays
of days gone by, dreams shattered, hopes lost, securitys removed
no only tears will do
sometimes they stream down my face in my sleep
i wake up to a wet pillow and tear stained checks
cry myself to sleep, through sleep and out of sleep
it hurts
i feel empty
void of nothing else but thought of me and thoughts of him
beautiful thoughts, memories that used to make me smile
now they make me cry
thoughts that used to make my heart skip, now they make it break
the strugle continues they say
this too shall pass
but each day i wake up with a lump bigger than the last
i cry harder than i did before
i want desparately to cleave back to what i once was part of
but God wont let me
He who konws whats best for me has decreed an end to a season
has decreed a purpose served
so cry i must
cry i will
and when my eyes are washed clean
when my heart has mourned its yesterday today
the lump goes, and i pray
pray for strenght to make it through the day
moment by moment, step by step
for eyes to see my lessons
and a willing spirit to learn
when the tears stop streaming down my face
when i finally get on my knees to pray
when i feel that i have just enough strenght for the next moment
then, i get up, put on my fragile mask
and get ready to face the day