Seeking.. Thinking..illuminating Oct 14th
I am seeking.
Seeking so desperately the eternal.
These days I am so conscious of my apetite for that which lasts 4ever.. which only serves to higlight my consciousness of my willingness to i say settle for the temporal..
Its easy to get caught up in the physical , in the peripheral, in the temporal. .. and I become distinictly aware of my apetite for these things as i seek the spiritual, the central and the eternal..
My strength is made perfect in your weakness, or so the good book says.. I must be honest and admit, I'd rather have no weakness i can beat myself over. Cos i am all black and blue. my brusises and broken bones i CANNOT count.
I have been fasting.. I figured Ramaddan was as good a time as any to get down to the nitty gritty on this lifelong journey I got going with the great I AM.
In fasting I have "abstained" from some of the things that satisfy my seemingly DNA inscribed pursuit of pleasure..
Its been gratifying, frustrating, mystifying, annoying, frustrating, did i say frustrating?? oh yea and also incredibly illuminating..
For one thing, I see clearly how temporal in their fulfilment the things I take great delight in, are. At the same time I am whacked on the head by how deeply i crave them still..
Talk about the great paradox of how you get people who know better to act out their knowledge.. "BC" as they say in public health i.e. behavior change. Now thats something they are still holding out the nobel peace prize 4!
And this ranges from my great delite in good yummy food to my need to "change the world"...& everything "sinful" and noble that exist inbetween.
I told myself i was seeking clarity. I told my God that I was seeking clarity. direction. seeking the I AM. seeking to know more. to have dimensions previously unknown illuminated in bright lights. I know this dont happen over a 30 day period of fasting on the regular. but a start would be nice.
Well, lets just say i got more questions than answers. Maybe this is the middle point where you get real frustrated and ready to throw in the towel. You know that point the Sages of old and new constantly speak to.. Maybe all i need is to get past this patch of great confusion to start to finally grasp something, anything... a straw!
I am such a head person, but i am coming to see that this is something i will probably never get my head around.
This- as in-
Why i am so incredibly easily satisfied with mudpies when a feast awaits.
Why I often times lose my way, in so many things and so many ways.. yea, i know its getting real cryptic. but this is my blog dangit grrr...
Why I cant seem to completely trust in the capacity and the truth of my creator.
Why I have become so adept at burying my doubts, 'less they bury me.
Why sometimes I figure there isnt much else left to experience on this side eternity as none will completely satisfy. Cos truth be told, i am coming to believe that that which is meant to fill the gaping seemingly abyss-like place in my inside, is not on this side...
Then why do i continue to seek? In hope I guess. In faith. In the knowledge and believe that at the very least those who ever find as those who set out on the path to seek..
I have said it time and time again.. It is a journey yall, and right now it feels like a mothaf-ing oh so frustrating journey...
None the less.. BE MAGNIFIED OH LORD MY GOD..
Seeking so desperately the eternal.
These days I am so conscious of my apetite for that which lasts 4ever.. which only serves to higlight my consciousness of my willingness to i say settle for the temporal..
Its easy to get caught up in the physical , in the peripheral, in the temporal. .. and I become distinictly aware of my apetite for these things as i seek the spiritual, the central and the eternal..
My strength is made perfect in your weakness, or so the good book says.. I must be honest and admit, I'd rather have no weakness i can beat myself over. Cos i am all black and blue. my brusises and broken bones i CANNOT count.
I have been fasting.. I figured Ramaddan was as good a time as any to get down to the nitty gritty on this lifelong journey I got going with the great I AM.
In fasting I have "abstained" from some of the things that satisfy my seemingly DNA inscribed pursuit of pleasure..
Its been gratifying, frustrating, mystifying, annoying, frustrating, did i say frustrating?? oh yea and also incredibly illuminating..
For one thing, I see clearly how temporal in their fulfilment the things I take great delight in, are. At the same time I am whacked on the head by how deeply i crave them still..
Talk about the great paradox of how you get people who know better to act out their knowledge.. "BC" as they say in public health i.e. behavior change. Now thats something they are still holding out the nobel peace prize 4!
And this ranges from my great delite in good yummy food to my need to "change the world"...& everything "sinful" and noble that exist inbetween.
I told myself i was seeking clarity. I told my God that I was seeking clarity. direction. seeking the I AM. seeking to know more. to have dimensions previously unknown illuminated in bright lights. I know this dont happen over a 30 day period of fasting on the regular. but a start would be nice.
Well, lets just say i got more questions than answers. Maybe this is the middle point where you get real frustrated and ready to throw in the towel. You know that point the Sages of old and new constantly speak to.. Maybe all i need is to get past this patch of great confusion to start to finally grasp something, anything... a straw!
I am such a head person, but i am coming to see that this is something i will probably never get my head around.
This- as in-
Why i am so incredibly easily satisfied with mudpies when a feast awaits.
Why I often times lose my way, in so many things and so many ways.. yea, i know its getting real cryptic. but this is my blog dangit grrr...
Why I cant seem to completely trust in the capacity and the truth of my creator.
Why I have become so adept at burying my doubts, 'less they bury me.
Why sometimes I figure there isnt much else left to experience on this side eternity as none will completely satisfy. Cos truth be told, i am coming to believe that that which is meant to fill the gaping seemingly abyss-like place in my inside, is not on this side...
Then why do i continue to seek? In hope I guess. In faith. In the knowledge and believe that at the very least those who ever find as those who set out on the path to seek..
I have said it time and time again.. It is a journey yall, and right now it feels like a mothaf-ing oh so frustrating journey...
None the less.. BE MAGNIFIED OH LORD MY GOD..