8 months later..
And i have thought of you regularly. I have wanted to put my thoughts down, record them somewhere, use the only constructive release i know i have, but i was scared. Scared of the contents of my thoughts, the course being charted by my life's boat. Scared that by putting in "black and white", then the bad things will manifest.
Dont get me wrong, i had an exhilerating time in Thunder Bay. I learnt a lot about myself, my goals, my temperament, my vices.. I was introduced to a new Ahmeda and got to know on a more intimate level the old one. I made great friends, but i learnt that people cant help but disappoint. People are human. Fundamentally flawed. I have wrestled with learning how to forgive, myself and others. I have allowed myself to consider that i dont know how to really love someone and looked outside for exapmles that i could emulate. I practiced yoga regularly and took up pilates again. I rediscovered an old passion, the water and swam whenever i could. I painted dark pictures and cried myself to sleep. I was lonely but content. I left Canada, walked the great wall, the bund, browsed thorugh the antique markets of Shaghai, visited elaborate temples and breathed in peaceful gardens. I took the most memorable, most emotionally intense trip to the Bahamas with the man i am convinced i am destined to love in this lifetime. I swear, i never felt so connected to another human being like i did then. We traveled around the island on a scooter and reveled in the joys of a simple beautiful place and being blessed to experience it with each other. It was dope!!!! ( my new word). I picked up some old habits and promptly remembered why i dropped them which i did again. I got baptized, got my permanent residency, gave up sex, and toyed around re-discovering the artisitc pursuits of my "youth".
Now i am back in Toronto, renting a room from a friend and getting back to the basics.. i am loving it. See life has been really good to me this year, yea, i been hit so many times it feels like my current posture is me doubled over in pain and defense, but i'd be darned if i went through all of that for nothing. I have and still continue to sift through the rubble looking for my lessons. Right now, I am embracing the lesson in Be-ing still and saying little. Life goes on, the struggle continues..
Dont get me wrong, i had an exhilerating time in Thunder Bay. I learnt a lot about myself, my goals, my temperament, my vices.. I was introduced to a new Ahmeda and got to know on a more intimate level the old one. I made great friends, but i learnt that people cant help but disappoint. People are human. Fundamentally flawed. I have wrestled with learning how to forgive, myself and others. I have allowed myself to consider that i dont know how to really love someone and looked outside for exapmles that i could emulate. I practiced yoga regularly and took up pilates again. I rediscovered an old passion, the water and swam whenever i could. I painted dark pictures and cried myself to sleep. I was lonely but content. I left Canada, walked the great wall, the bund, browsed thorugh the antique markets of Shaghai, visited elaborate temples and breathed in peaceful gardens. I took the most memorable, most emotionally intense trip to the Bahamas with the man i am convinced i am destined to love in this lifetime. I swear, i never felt so connected to another human being like i did then. We traveled around the island on a scooter and reveled in the joys of a simple beautiful place and being blessed to experience it with each other. It was dope!!!! ( my new word). I picked up some old habits and promptly remembered why i dropped them which i did again. I got baptized, got my permanent residency, gave up sex, and toyed around re-discovering the artisitc pursuits of my "youth".
Now i am back in Toronto, renting a room from a friend and getting back to the basics.. i am loving it. See life has been really good to me this year, yea, i been hit so many times it feels like my current posture is me doubled over in pain and defense, but i'd be darned if i went through all of that for nothing. I have and still continue to sift through the rubble looking for my lessons. Right now, I am embracing the lesson in Be-ing still and saying little. Life goes on, the struggle continues..